时光匆匆，离上一篇博客的时间又悄无声息地滑过。坦白说，对于写作，我的耐心远远不及制作模型时。虽然心里总是萦绕着写作的念头，但每当面对文本编辑器，总觉得比开启3D软件或Photoshop更为繁琐。我内心希望频繁地更新博客，脑海中也总是涌现出各种想法。但当我真正准备写下这些想法时，常常陷入困境，不知如何将内心的思绪妥帖地诉诸文字。这或许是因为我平时少有写作，或是阅读的书籍渐渐减少。

起初，我认为不常写博客是因为缺乏一种仪式感。于是，我购买了笔记本电脑，后又觉得环境不佳，于是尝试着寻找静谧的写作环境。可是，这些改变并没有太大效果。我明白了，真正能让我安静下来写作的东西，与我使用的工具无关。这只是我过去的一段有趣经历，除了浪费金钱，对于我的写作并无益助。

最近也由于没有好好的休息，导致感觉整个人都很疲惫，尽管也睡了觉。但是就是感觉怎么也打不起精神。但即便如此，我还是终于将新的作品上架了商店。这对于我而言也算是解决了一件很重要的事。这次新的商店调整对于我后续的整体规划非常重要，但是所花费的时间确实也远远的超出了我原定计划的预期。

这次作品的上架我原以为只需要两天的时间就可以完成了，但从宣传图准备到渲染图准备到在准备期间发现的BUG与修复再到文案的撰写与这次特殊合作所进行的各种修改与准备，整整花费了一周的时间。不过还好的是，在这次准备的过程中，许多东西都是可以复用的，这应该能为我后续内容的准备省下更多的时间。

我对这次作品的成品图进行了多次调整，力求呈现出令自己满意的效果。同时，我希望借此机会将自己的个人作品更新到Artstation上，作为对自己努力的一种肯定。

时间犹如流水，转瞬即逝。笔触间，两天已然过去，年末亦即将来临。回溯今年的足迹，我不得不承认自己似乎浪费了诸多宝贵的时刻。尽管我始终提醒自己要珍惜每一刹那，努力在各个领域积累更多的经验，但总觉得时间匆匆，不尽如人意。这一年，我曾多次跌入坑中，学习的道路上也倍感荆棘。随着知识的积累，我越发意识到自己的不足之处。的确，我花费了大量的时间去巩固基础，但在实践中，有时仍然会试图走捷径。幸好，我也创作出了一些自己心满意足的作品，但这种成就感往往是昙花一现。每当意识到自己与他人之间的差距，我会不自觉地感到困惑与懒惰。

我对自己的性格有深刻的了解，知道自己不是那种轻易放弃的人，但这也使我这一年感到特别的疲惫，不仅是身体上的，更多的是精神上的。这一年里，我经历了许多，思考了许多，也更加明确了自己的不足。我正在努力寻找一个方法，调整我的生活节奏，希望能够找到那种和谐与平衡。

许多人羡慕我现在的境况，然而，他们往往只看到了冰山一角。真正了解背后的付出、心酸、汗水和泪水的人又有多少？大多数时候，真相很残酷，那就是很少有人真正关心那些隐秘的努力与泪水。我向来重视形象和面子，外界的认可与赞赏确实可以为我带来暂时的欢喜，让我忘却背后的艰辛。但这也意味着，一旦受到批评或者得不到期望中的回应，我会感到深深的失落。这种看似毫无实际意义的“仪式感”对我而言，却是无比珍贵。

自今年年初，我加入了LPD，这也是因为LPD重新活跃在VRCHAT这一社群。我承认，我正在通过这个虚拟世界逃避现实中的种种。当我没有了稳定的群体作为依托，焦虑感便会逐渐蔓延。尽管外界看到的我总是和善、平和，但这更多是我为了避免麻烦的“保护色”。VRCHAT为我提供了一个宝贵的舒适区。在此，我有意识地控制着我的社交圈，避免过度扩张，因为我无法对每一个人都给予充分的关注。尽管我知道对大多数人而言，我并不是那么重要，但我依然希望给他们留下一个良好的印象。

我的这种心态背后，有着复杂的原因。我在现实生活中的某些经历，使我难以全心信赖他人。我时常也在纠结，对方是真诚还是做作，因为当我真心想与他人交往、展现真实的自己时，无法确知对方的真实想法。这也是我更偏向于在这个虚拟社交圈子中交友的原因。在这里，我不需要太过担忧，还可以与其它玩家分享现实中的事情。这种交流方式与传统聊天工具完全不同，因为这里你可以与对方面对面，不必担心纯文本难以传达情感。在这虚拟世界中，有人选择展现真实的自己，而有人则戴上另一种面具，体验一种全新的人生。

然而，这个虚拟社群并不意味着它具有更高的包容度。自从我重返VRCHAT，我遇到了形形色色的玩家。尽管大家在游戏中寻求的关注和认可的形式可能各不相同，但我相信，大部分玩家都渴望得到理解和认可，这是我们的共通之处。

不久前，我和VRCHAT中的几位朋友坐在游戏里，品味着一点点美酒，分享着彼此的故事和经历。那一刻，是我这么久以来首次真正打开心扉，说出了心里的话。如我所料，每个人都有那段不愿提及的历史或正在经历某些切身之痛。很多时候，我们或许更渴望的是一个真正愿意倾听的朋友，但这样的朋友，哪怕在VRCHAT里也不是那么容易遇到。我时常希望能在这个虚拟世界中找到一个真正可以敞开心扉的伙伴，我并不期望他们能为我解决实际问题，只希望有个人能真心聆听我。但再深思，我自己很多时候也不能做到完全敞开，我又怎能期待别人也能做到呢？内心的纠结，有时真的如同矛盾重重。

EN:

Time flies, and the moment since my last blog post has slipped away unnoticed. Frankly, when it comes to writing, my patience is far less than when creating models. Even though the idea of writing is always lingering, facing a text editor always feels more cumbersome than launching 3D software or Photoshop. I wish to update my blog frequently, and many thoughts surge in my mind. However, when I'm ready to write them down, I often feel stuck, struggling to articulate my inner reflections. Perhaps it's due to my lack of writing practice or a decreasing reading habit.

At first, I thought my infrequent blogging was due to a lack of a sense of ritual. So, I bought a laptop. Later, I felt the environment was not ideal, so I sought a tranquil writing atmosphere. But these changes didn't make much of a difference. I realized that what genuinely lets me settle into writing isn't about the tools I use. This past experience was merely a waste of money and didn't help my writing.

Lately, due to not resting well, I've felt utterly drained. Despite getting some sleep, I've struggled to rejuvenate. Still, I managed to list my new work in the store. This was crucial for me, a significant accomplishment. This store adjustment is crucial for my future plans, but the time spent was far beyond my expectations.

I initially thought the store listing would take just two days, but from preparing promotional images to rendering, then fixing bugs discovered during preparation, to writing the description and various modifications for a special collaboration, it took a whole week. Fortunately, many of the materials prepared this time are reusable, potentially saving me time for future projects.

I made numerous adjustments to the final images of this work, striving to present an effect that pleases me. I also want to use this opportunity to update my portfolio on Artstation as an acknowledgment of my hard work.

Time flows like water, fleeting in its passing. Within strokes of my pen, days have gone by, and the year's end is approaching. Looking back at this year, I have to admit that I seem to have squandered many precious moments. Although I consistently remind myself to cherish every second and strive to accumulate experiences in various fields, time feels inadequate. This year, I've encountered many challenges and found the path of learning thorny. As my knowledge expands, I increasingly recognize my shortcomings. I spent a lot of time solidifying the basics, but sometimes I still tried to take shortcuts in practice. Thankfully, I've also produced some works I'm proud of, but such satisfaction is fleeting. Recognizing the gap between myself and others, I often feel puzzled and lethargic.

I understand my character deeply, knowing I'm not one to easily give up, which made this year especially exhausting, both physically and mentally. I went through a lot, reflected a lot, and became more aware of my weaknesses. I'm trying to find a way to adjust my life rhythm, hoping to achieve harmony and balance.

Many admire my current situation, but most only see the tip of the iceberg. How many truly understand the effort, hardships, sweat, and tears behind it? Most of the time, the harsh truth is that few genuinely appreciate the hidden struggles. I value image and face. External recognition and praise can bring temporary joy, helping me forget the difficulties. But this means when I face criticism or don't get the expected response, I feel profound disappointment. This seemingly trivial "sense of ceremony" is invaluable to me.

Since the beginning of this year, I joined LPD, mainly because LPD became active again in the VRCHAT community. I admit, I use this virtual world to escape reality. Without a stable group to rely on, anxiety creeps in. Although I appear kind and calm to the outside world, it's mainly a "camouflage" to avoid troubles. VRCHAT provides me with a valuable comfort zone. Here, I consciously control my social circle, preventing over-expansion, as I can't give adequate attention to everyone. Although I understand that I might not be essential to most people, I still hope to leave a good impression.

Complex reasons underpin my mindset. Some real-life experiences make it hard for me to trust others wholeheartedly. I often grapple with whether someone is genuine or pretending. When I genuinely want to interact and show my true self, I can't determine their true intentions. That's why I lean towards making friends in this virtual community. Here, I don't need to worry too much and can share real-life matters with other players. This form of interaction differs from traditional chat tools because you can face others without the barrier of text, making it easier to convey emotions. In this virtual world, some choose to be themselves, while others wear a different mask, experiencing a new life.

However, this virtual community doesn't necessarily mean it's more inclusive. Since returning to VRCHAT, I've met all kinds of players. Though the type of attention and recognition players seek might differ, I believe most crave understanding and acknowledgment, our shared trait.

Not long ago, I sat with a few friends in VRCHAT, sipping some wine, sharing stories and experiences. At that moment, for the first time in a long time, I truly opened up. As I suspected, everyone had stories they hesitated to share or were undergoing personal trials. Often, what we might desire most is a friend who genuinely listens. Even in VRCHAT, such friends are rare. I often hope to find a truly open-hearted companion in this virtual world, not expecting them to solve my real-world issues, just genuinely listen. But on reflection, I often can't be entirely open myself, so how can I expect that from others? The internal struggle sometimes feels overwhelmingly contradictory.